


Home Again (though did I ever really have a home?)

by HeadInTheClouds (TheReadingWanderer)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, F/F, F/M, Good Parent Maryse Lightwood, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Multi, Past Abuse, Past Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Past Relationship(s), Protective Magnus Bane, Robert is still a dick though, Self-Harming Alec Lightwood, Suicide Attempt, Supportive Magnus Bane, he got hurt in the past, super magnus to the rescue
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-04-24 00:04:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14343771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheReadingWanderer/pseuds/HeadInTheClouds
Summary: "You're mine," a voice growls in his ear. "You're lucky I'm taking pity on someone as worthless as you."(or a fic in which Alec just wants love and no one wants to give it to him until he meets Magnus)





	1. Beautiful Trauma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’d keep it a secret, because it’d hurt less for them that way. 
> 
> No one said anything about it not hurting Alec, though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions/depictions of rape/sexual assault. 
> 
> Sorry it's short :p

The first time it happens, he’s only 14 and just now realizing what he is.

It’s with the neighbor’s son, Graham, who was only a year older than Alec but attractive for a boy his age. They’re left alone one night at the 15-year-old’s house because their parents decided to go on a double date and Jace and Izzy were at friends’ houses.

Alec must have been staring too much at Graham’s lips, because the next thing he knows he’s being kissed as a poster of a nearly-shirtless Katy Perry stares at him from the opposite wall. He hadn’t been kissed before by someone who wasn’t family and had no idea what to do, so he lets Graham take control.

For the first two weeks, it’s as perfect as a teenage relationship can get when you can only see each other by sneaking around behind everyone’s backs. Graham has really helped him see that he’s gay and not Bi or Pan, and Alec had been grateful for that because he had been so uncertain before about who he did and didn’t like.

Of course, all good things must eventually come to an end. It happens on the night of their “two week anniversary” and they’re alone at Graham’s house again just like they were the first time they had kissed.

The blonde boy wanted to take things further, but Alec wasn’t ready. This angered him and he held the raven-haired teen down, biting and kissing his neck harshly enough that there would certainly be bruises when he was done. Fingers roughly raked down his chest, biting into his skin hard enough that he knew he’d find marks in the morning even though he had on a thick sweater. Then they were clumsily yanking his pants down, and Graham only got as far as wrapping his hand around Alec’s member when the sound of the front door shutting could be heard. He’s let go and pushed off the bed, the elder boy glaring down at him as if it’s his fault their parents came home early from the double date.

When Graham’s parents come up to tell Alec it was time to go home, they’re playing video games like nothing happened and rape wasn’t nearly committed.

He gets up and goes back to his house, and he scrubs himself raw in the shower, ignoring how it hurt when he rubbed the soap and brush against his chest. He ignores the purple bruises blooming on his neck, and he ignores how empty he feels as he lays down in bed that night wondering what was wrong with him. Wondering why he wasn’t enough to keep Graham satisfied until he was ready for that kind of thing.

A month and a half after it happens, Graham’s family moves to California. They don’t say why, but the last thing Alec heard from him is that his parents found out about their son being a cocksucker and blamed it all on the raven-haired boy. It’s some small form of mercy that they don’t tell his parents about it, making up some lie as to why they were moving away. Alec acts like he doesn’t pay attention to Izzy’s makeup rants after Graham moves (because she was 12 now and figuring out that was a thing, Angel help them all) but he does in case he ever has to conceal bruises again. He didn’t want it to become a regular thing, but he also didn’t want his family finding out that he was gay and hating him.

He goes on pretending to be the perfect son, the one who does as he’s told and not the one who can’t be enough for someone to love and relies on a blade for a release instead of something normal for boys his age, like sports or video games.

His family didn’t deserve to find out what a disappointment he was. They would be ashamed of him if they knew he didn’t want to carry on the Lightwood name with a woman.

He’d keep it a secret, because it’d hurt less for them that way.

No one said anything about it not hurting Alec, though.

And it did, but he suffered in silence.

Because Alexander Gideon Lightwood couldn’t be anything less than perfect, even though he was only 14 and now was the time for him to make mistakes.

_Some days like I’m barely breathing / This nightmare I’m waking._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Beautiful Trauma" by Pink.


	2. Praying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn't see it coming, though he should have.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depictions of a suicide attempt, mentions of depression.

The second boy isn’t that noteworthy. Alec meets him when they’re both 15, and it goes okay. They didn’t really do anything together beyond a few kisses, and it only lasts around 3 weeks before the boy breaks up with him to date a cheerleader. He wonders again why he wasn’t enough, but it wasn’t as bad as Graham. He didn’t think anyone would be. 

 

For a while after that, he mostly keeps to himself and focused on his grades. He had started slipping and his parents had gotten angry at him about it, and while they had never hit him the verbal barbs dug deeper than being physical would. He took them to heart and pushed himself harder, not accepting anything less than perfection in his academic life. They wouldn’t notice the growing depression inside of him. 

 

_ You need to get into a good college and become a doctor or lawyer some day,  _ they’d told him time and time again. He didn’t want to disappoint them, so he kept his true career ambitions a secret just like his sexuality. What was one more thing to hide from his family? They wouldn’t notice the burdens he added onto himself to keep them happy, or at the very least not disgusted with him. 

 

He doesn’t date for the next two years, but he decides that he’s going to try again his senior year after not having anyone for so long.  _ What could go wrong?  _ Alec asks himself. 

 

He meets this boy at a coffee shop when he’s trying to finish a paper that admittedly isn’t due until the next week, absorbed in the writing and steaming mug. It’s only when he realizes its empty that he gets up, bumping right into someone on their way out. Alec’s cheeks flame bright red, and he goes to get some napkins, apologizing profusely. The boy smiles, deep dimples appearing when he does, and tells him that it’s okay - he didn’t like that shirt anyway but wore it because it was a gift from his sister and he didn’t have the heart to tell her he hated it. 

 

Alec buys him a new cup and they sit down and talk. It’s the first person he’s had a real conversation with in so long that he finds himself wanting to talk to the boy more. He finds out that his name is Seth, and that his new acquaintance is a music major at the local university. He’s only 19, which doesn’t seem too bad considering there were couples with decades between them. They start dating a month after they meet, and this relationship lasts far longer than any of the ones in his past. 

 

Seth seemed like the perfect guy. He was considerate, funny, gorgeous, talented… Alec could go on about him for days. They liked a lot of the same books, and his boyfriend didn’t care for movies and TV shows or going out to parties like him. Alec falls too fast for him, because the musician makes it all too easy to give his heart away. 

 

In retrospect, he should’ve seen it coming. There was no way someone like Seth would be into him and genuinely like Alec and want to be with him. 

 

He dismisses it as nothing at first, thinking he was just being paranoid and that nothing was really going on. Seth was just busy and had to study later and later in the day because college was a lot harder than high school and he needed to focus in order to get good grades. Nothing was going on other than that, he told himself. 

 

When Seth comes over to his house, while his family is out, smelling like a perfume Alec’s never smelled on him before, the college boy tells him that it was from his sister and that it clung to him whenever he visited her. Again, he dismisses it as nothing, because this is the best relationship he’s had and he doesn’t want to jeopardize it by coming off as overly possessive and jealous. They had almost been dating for a year at this point, and Alec had never told his parents or his siblings about Seth because he was still carrying the secret of his sexuality. He thought his boyfriend understood that he wanted to wait until he was at least in college to tell his family about it. 

 

Other than the perfume and excuses for why he was staying out later than usual, everything was fine. Seth was incredible, and Alec loved him. When his boyfriend wasn’t studying, they hung out, mostly at the musician’s dorm room or other places so that his siblings and parents wouldn’t find out about him being gay. Their relationship was happy - they laughed a lot, shared silly childhood stories, and generally just had a good time. 

 

He didn’t see it coming, though he should have. 

 

On Alec’s first day of Summer break, before college started, he decided to go surprise Seth at his dorm room before his boyfriend went to work. He held a small velvet box in his hand, examining it before using the key he was given to go inside. He heard noises coming from the bedroom and went to go check it out, eyebrows furrowed. The now 18-year-old pushed the door open, and in that moment a pin dropping could be heard. He drops the box and it clatters to the floor, ring flying out to the side from the force of it being dropped.

 

He couldn’t breathe. Suddenly, all of the late nights and strange perfumes made sense. 

 

Seth wasn’t studying to make sure his grades stayed up, and his sister wasn’t wearing new perfume. 

 

He was cheating on Alec with a skinny redhead girl whose hair was splayed out over his boyfriend’s pillow, face that was only moments ago thrown back in ecstasy now frozen in surprise at the appearance of another person. 

 

He only vaguely remembers Seth calling after him, clothes rustling as he tries to put them on while running after Alec. 

 

“I was going to marry you!” He had shouted, struggling to keep the tears from pouring down his face. “I wanted to live the rest of my life with you, and this is how you treat me?”

 

“I… Alec…” his boyfriend couldn’t say much in defense of his actions, only holding out the box with the ring put back inside it. 

 

“No, Seth. I should’ve known I wouldn’t get a happy ending.” He furiously wipes away the tears that managed to escape, snatching the box back and shoving it into his pocket. 

 

“I was tired of hiding. If you really wanted to marry me, you would’ve told your parents already,” the musician had answered scathingly. 

 

“I wasn’t… wasn’t ready,” he responded, hiccuping as he tries to fight the tears. 

 

“Whatever, prude. I’m done with you. I only dated you to see if you’d put out.” Seth takes a few steps back, going to the girl who had come into the hall with the blanket wrapped around her. 

 

Alec had gone home and rushed straight past anyone who tried to stop him, locking his bedroom door and crying until there were no more tears left in him. After that, he hiccuped and hyperventilated for a few minutes as he stood up, going into his adjoining bedroom. 

 

As he stared into the mirror, a dark voice in the back of his head whispered awful things to him. 

 

_ Prude.  _

 

_ Not good enough. _

 

_ No one wants you. _

 

_ Failure.  _

 

_ Just kill yourself already, no one would miss you. _

 

His hand had shook as he dumped painkillers into his mouth, swallowing them without any water to chase them down. He had slid down against the wall, and eventually things began to swim. He had barely heard Izzy pounding on the door, demanding to be let in, eventually using one of the bobby pins in her hair to pick the lock. It’s her that had found him there, half-dead and on his way to finding out what was there for him in the afterlife. 

 

She had screamed for Jace to call an ambulance, begging her big brother not to fall asleep. She’s forced away from when the paramedics rush in and he’s being carted off to the hospital. They tell Izzy and Jace that with the amount of painkillers Alec had taken and how long it had been since he had ingested them, he might not make it. 

 

They tried anyway, because that was their job. They lose him once before they get to the hospital but managed to revive him. 

 

When Alec wakes up, he wishes he hadn’t. He just wants to be dead. No one would miss him, so why had anyone bothered saving his life?

 

They talk to him about treatments for his depression and put him on suicide watch. The doctors just wanted him monitored at home and not to go anywhere alone, but his parents, embarrassed at the mess their son had become, insist on sending him to a medical facility. 

 

He had been forced away from a crying Izzy after the doctors cleared him to be able to leave the hospital and had him taken to the institution he was to be treated at. 

 

His first memory of the place is a man with beautiful golden skin and a smile to light up the entire sky even when it was pitch black outside. 

 

Alec doesn’t smile back, just letting himself be taken in. 

 

He’d have to try again when they weren’t watching him. 

 

_ 'Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell / I'll just say this is "I wish you farewell" _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from "Praying" by Kesha.


	3. 1-800-273-8255

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wishes he had succeeded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of attempted suicide and depression.

It all sounded like it was coming from underwater. Alec knew people were talking to him, but he, for the most part, tuned it out. They made him change into clothes with no strings or anything else that he could use to kill himself, and after that, he was brought into a room and sat down in a chair. He stared blankly at the wall where a degree certificate hung, not even noticing when a man came into the room. More of the muffled talking came, and he ignored it again.

“Alexander.” The voice said it a few more times, trying to get the teen to focus.

After his name had been called repeatedly, he started paying attention again. Now he stared at the person sitting on the other side of the desk, guessing that he must be one of the therapists or maybe even the guy who ran this place. He looks at the certificates again and decides that he was definitely a doctor.

“I’m Magnus Bane. I’m going to be your therapist while you’re here,” the man says, smiling kindly at Alec. A notepad sat on his desk, a pen being twirled between fingers. “Do you want to talk about why you’re here?” It was a longshot that it would be answered, but it had to be asked eventually.

The teen just stares at him, saying without speaking how stupid of a question it was. Why would he want to talk about it with someone he barely knew, even if Magnus Bane was all smiles and looked like someone everyone wanted to spill their problems too? He had learned how to keep quiet about his issues and did so for years, so it would take more than what was supposed to be a disarming smile and a stupid question to get Alec to talk about why he was here. This place was supposed to be one of the best institutions in New York, but he knew his parents were wasting their money if they thought this place would cure him of whatever they thought was wrong with their son besides a suicide attempt.

They probably didn’t even care why he tried in the first place beyond how it affected their reputation and the family image.

“Okay. Let’s start with something a little easier.” The pen stops twirling, and he watches as Dr. Bane picks up the notepad and scribbles something down on it. A part of Alec itched to see what was being written about him, but he kept a bored but mostly emotionless look on his face. If he showed interested in it, the doctor would just write that down too and it would be an endless cycle of wanting to see what was on the notepad.

“What’s your favorite color?” The question caught him so off guard that he furrowed his eyebrows and looked at the golden-skinned man like he was the one that was insane, not Alec. Who went from asking someone why they were in here to asking what their color preferences  were? Of course, he had to get stuck with the crazy doctor. It was just his luck, so he honestly shouldn’t be that surprised by it.

He still doesn’t answer, because Alec hadn’t talked to anyone since he had found Seth in bed with that redhead and they had fought after. Not even to Izzy, who had to be forcibly taken away from his bedside by Jace so she’d take care of herself instead of staying up all day and not eating or showering, or his brother, who had begged the teen to tell them why he had done it instead of talking to someone about what was going on.

Jace was a good brother, but he still hadn’t seen the signs. Alec had apparently done too good of a job hiding them, because no one had suspected a thing was wrong with him until Isabelle had found him on the bathroom floor, halfway to meeting the Angel. By then, the realization that they had missed their brother’s struggle had been too late.

“I couldn’t possibly choose. There are so many great colors, and they’re amazing to create outfits with,” Dr. Bane tells him when there was no sign of his patient wanting to respond. “But I’m a bit partial to blue.” There was a swirling hand movement as the man talked, animating his words as they were being spoken. Alec watched the hand, tired of staring at the framed certificates just over his therapist’s shoulder.

“You seem like a black kind of person. I know that they consider it a shade and not a color, but I simply have to disagree.” Magnus was right about that. He did love the color black above anything else, but he wasn’t going to let a question about color break the silence he had fallen into. No one had cared about what he had to say before, so why would anyone care now? Even a therapist? Especially a therapist. They were just paid to sit there and listen to people’s problems and miraculously cure them of whatever fucked up shit was wrong with that particular patient.

If he wasn’t keeping quiet, Alec might actually laugh about it all. This whole thing was ridiculous, from when he was 14 and first met Graham to right now, when this doctor asked what his favorite color was as if that would somehow help him fight the depression trying to suck him in even more than it already had.

They sat in silence for a few moments, the only sound the  _ tap tap tap  _ of Dr. Bane’s pen. It drove him nuts, so he just stared at the offending object until it stopped. This seemed to spark another urge to write, because there was a  _ click  _ and then the scratching noise of pen against paper again. What was so interesting about Alec’s dislike of clicking noises? Honestly. The doctors here seemed to be nuttier than their patients, and the raven-haired teen knew he was probably one of the milder cases they had here.

“I believe it’s time for dinner. Would you like for me to accompany you, or would you prefer one of the nurses?” Magnus asked.

Alec inclined his head ever so slightly, one of the few reactions he had given since he had been dropped off at this place. The doctor smiles that blindingly bright smile again, like the one he’d given to his newest charge upon his arrival. He stands, waiting until the other did so as well before leading them out of the room and down the hallway. The nurses stepped aside when they came through to give them some space, knowing how cagey some of the new patients (and even a few of the older ones) could get when people got too close to them. The last thing they wanted, or needed, was a meltdown.

He looks around the hallways as they walked, noting the locations of everything and everyone currently roaming around or doing their jobs. He knew it would be difficult, but Alec planned on either breaking out or completing the task which had landed him in here in the first place. Hopefully both in that order, because he wanted to die, but not in a nuthouse of all places. Maybe somewhere like a meadow, where he could be out in the open surrounded by beautiful flowers. It would be unlikely anyone would come across him there either until he was already dead.

“You’ll have your own room here unless you prefer to share with someone. You will be assigned a buddy, however, who will be responsible for checking in on you when nurses can’t and taking you places if needed. You will have to check on them as well, but for now you won’t have to escort anyone anywhere,” Magnus explained along the way, looking over his shoulder to see if Alexander was paying any attention to him. He noted that it didn’t seem as if he was, but patients had often mastered the art of looking like they weren’t paying attention but secretly were, trying to gather as much information as they could when they thought the other person wasn’t inhibiting themselves as much due to the fact they thought they weren’t being listened to.

Alec’s face twitched ever so slightly at the thought of having someone constantly checking in on him. It would make it hard to complete the tasks he had set out for, but he would deal with it. Hopefully, he could scare his ‘buddy’ into not doing as they were told without saying anything and have them report that they were just to get the therapists here off their backs.

They arrive at the mess hall, where Dr. Bane leads him up to a boy whose glasses look like they’d come from the ‘90s and shirt from the lost-and-found at a nerd convention. He’s already thinking about how he could, as a last resort, steal the glasses and break the lenses out if he couldn’t get his hands on anything that would kill him faster.

“Alexander, this is Simon Lewis. He’s going to be your buddy until further notice, so I hope you two can get along.” Magnus smiles and walks away, leaving the teen to hopefully make friends.

Alec just glares at Simon and walks away, hoping the boy would get the message to leave him the hell alone. When he hears footsteps behind him, he wants to hit his head against something solid. Repeatedly. “Hey! I know he introduced me already, but I’m really happy to be your buddy. My last one got discharged, and I love making new friends. Hopefully, we can be friends, because if not this whole buddy thing is going to kind of suck, and I really want you to like me,” the nerd rambled, using hand motions as he talked.

The Lightwood just speeds up and gets in line for food, but Simon is persistent. He’s right behind his new buddy every step of the way, but thankfully, he doesn’t start talking again. He must’ve gotten the message that Alec wasn’t in any mood to talk or even be in his general vicinity, though he disregarded the latter and kept close anyway. Once they have their food, he’s led back to the table Magnus had taken him up to and sits down in the chair farthest away from his new ‘friend.’ Oh, joy.

Simon starts chattering again, but he tunes it out, pushing the food around the plate. Nurses kept a sharp watch on the patients, even though none of them had been given a knife to use. The utensils they had been given – a spoon and a fork – were plastic and wouldn’t do too much harm even if they were managed to be snuck out. They were useless to Alec, for now, so he doesn’t even try to devise ways to take them with him back to his room.

After a while of pushing his food around, he’s taken back to his room. He lays down and stares blankly at the ceiling, not even acknowledging Simon looking into the room and saying something before leaving to go to his own bed. He had gotten absorbed in his thoughts again, which was no surprise. He had been doing a lot of thinking lately, especially in the hospital after his attempted suicide.

He wishes he had succeeded. If he had taken those pills a little bit sooner, it would’ve been far too late for him to be saved, and he wouldn’t be sitting in this hell-hole they called a psychiatric hospital right now. Even if the afterlife was just a bunch of black nothingness, he’d take it over being stuck in this place.

Izzy and Jace might’ve been upset at first, but he knows they would’ve gotten over his death quickly. They had a lot to accomplish, and with their lame, useless older brother out of the way, they wouldn’t have had to worry about how stupid he made his family look anymore. He wouldn’t be in their shadow anymore, taking up space he didn’t need.

The thought of his siblings not caring hurt more than anyone else. He wishes he could’ve been enough for them, been a better big brother, but the reality was that he was shitty. He deserved to die, and nothing was going to convince him otherwise, not even a sparkly man named Magnus Bane who asked strange questions in an attempt to try and get him to say something, anything.

 

Alec Lightwood was alive, but he wasn’t truly living. He hadn’t been in a long time.

 

_ I just wanna die / I know I'm hurting deep down but can’t show it _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from '1-800-273-8255' by Logic ft. Alessia Cara and Khalid 
> 
> It's also the National Suicide Hotline number. If you or anyone you know is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please get them the resources they need to get help.


End file.
